Big thanks to all the awesome frequenters of TheO's chatrooms for this one. It was a school assignment that I had a bit of Writer's Block on, so I told 'em to start spewing out words. What followed was a delicious course of Plot Mad Libs. Thanks a lot, guys. You deserve to read this.
Arthur Duram, Evil Overlord of Everything, woke up one fine morning to greet the day.
“Good morning, Day!” said Arthur.
The day said nothing, for it is not sentient.
“Fine, be that way,” pouted Arther, getting up from bed. He crossed the room and dressed himself in his typical Evil Overlord attire; blue jeans, a plain white button-up shirt and tie, and a flowing, crimson cape complete with gigantic shoulder pads. He looked ridiculous, but since he possessed the ability to obliterate a decent percentage of everything living, people tended not to call him out on it.
After getting dressed, brushing his evil teeth and enjoying his daily breakfast of Evil Frosted Flakes, Arthur decided to head into his throne room and lord it over all humanity. He entered the room and was about to sit down when he noticed that someone was sitting in his throne. It was not Goldilocks, but considering her record, I would not have been surprised. It was instead Arthur's greatest foe, Captain Pretty Neat.
“Well well,” chided the hero, “I'm afraid I can't let you lord it over all humanity this morning, Arthur.”
“Where are your pants, Captain Pretty Neat?” inquired Arthur.
Captain Pretty Neat glanced at his lower half to discover that in his haste to leave earlier, he had neglected to put on his trousers. “Th-that's not the point!” he stammered defensively. “The point is that I'm here to stop your reign of evil!”
Arthur sighed exasperatedly. “Actually, it's the entire point. You have broken into my home to tell me that I am on the wrong side of the law. Do you have any idea how ironic that is? The fact that the person lecturing me on ethics is sitting in my chair in his boxers really doesn't help your case.”
“I don't care, Captain Pretty Neat,” interrupted Arthur. “You're breaking the law at the moment. In contrast, I am not. Now I suggest you go home before I call the police and they come arrest you.”
“The evil police?”
“No, the normal ones would have to arrest you anyway.”
Captain Pretty Neat wasn't feeling very neat at all by this point. “But I wanted to have a desperate battle between good and evil today,” he pouted.
“I suppose if it means that much to you, I can fit you in next Thursday,” the Evil Overlord conceded. “Good grief, I feel like a professional wrestler. I hope you don't expect me to throw the match as well.”
The fire instantly returned to Captain Pretty Neat's eyes as he shook his head vigorously, indicating that he did not expect such a thing. He then bounded out the window in a manner eerily similar to the way elephants don't.
Arthur sat down in his throne, turned on his Evil Monitoring System and proceeded to lord it over all humanity. 'life is good,' he thought to himself. 'Maybe I'll go ahead and lord it over living things in general next week.'
It did still baffle him that the title of the story had absolutely nothing to do with the contents, however.