Dear citizens, it occurs to me that there are some serious problems with our city. This, our beloved Townsville, is under constant threat from more outside forces than I am convinced actually exist, to say nothing about our own homegrown psychopaths. The following editorial is to inform the common Townsvillager of the day-to-day threats we face and what we can do to combat them without taxing our resident protectors.
And now to my first concern: Why is there an active volcano in the middle of Townsville park? I was not born when this city was built and it has never erupted in all my years of living here, but there is molten lava in the crater, marking the landmark as very active. On top of that, both literally and figuratively, we have Mojo Jojo, genius supervillain and constant nemesis of our beloved defenders, the Powerpuff Girls, making his home on top of this volatile crater. We all remember the incident a number of years ago in which the unwitting girls helped this sinister simian build this structure. Though we have since forgiven them many times over, I do feel it is a tad odd that their constant combat with Mr. Jojo has not yet resulted in the removal of his well-known base of operations yet.
As I was saying about the volcano, it appears to me as if it has just always been there. No one pays it any heed and it shows no sign of having erupted since the city's birth. Therefore I can only assume that whomever founded our dear Townsville purposefully allowed the volcano to be the center. The only logic I can draw from this is that Townsville was founded by an ancestor of our current mayor, who seems to continually win elections simply because everyone ever running against him have proven themselves to be even more incompetent. If I were in attendance at the naming ceremony, my vote would have gone not to "The City of Townsville," but to "The City of Holy Crap Holy Crap There's a Volcano in the Middle of the Park."
Another great concern of mine involving the welfare of the city involves its apparent natural draw for various monsters. Mutant creatures appear in town on a basis so regular that no one seems to pay them any heed anymore. Indeed, daily traffic jams in our fair city are commonly attributed not to rush hour or traffic accidents, as is the norm in other cities, but to creature attacks. A recent interview with Professor Utonium, the creator of the Powerpuff Girls, reveals that he is confident that monsters would continue to rampage through the city unchecked even if he had never created his daughters in the first place. There must be a reason for the natural attraction monsters have to the area. I suggest scientific studies into the matter to see if the frequency of attacks can be lessened.
And finally, there are a variety of rogues and ruffians on the loose that we tend to leave in the capable hands of our three incredibly young heroes, despite the fact that we have our own perfectly good police force. Certainly we have villains running around that only superheroes can combat, such as Mojo Jojo, that demonic cross-dresser known only as Him, and of course, the girls' own villainous male counterparts, the Rowdyruff Boys. However, the girls seem to frequently tangle with some criminals who are far enough below their league that the police should have little to no problem apprehending them alone. Some that come to mind are Fuzzy Lumpkins, the relatively harmless hermit with an occasional tendency to rampage, Sedusa, whose only powers seem to be her feminine wiles and adeptness at disguises, and the Gangreen Gang, who amount to little more than a group of mischievous juvenile delinquents.
There are other things about our hometown that bother me as a concerned citizen, but these seem to be the biggest, along with Professor Utonium's seeming monopoly on the market for the superpower-granting Chemical X. If we could fix only one or two of these problems, I'm sure our city would be much easier to live in. We've been gifted with three bright young minds to keep us safe from danger. Please don't squander this gift. Make life easier for the Powerpuff Girls, lest our beloved Townsville become like Gotham.
-Ace (No, not that one.)