Welcome to Failtastick Fandoms, where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
This world is dedicated to the side of anime/manga that gives otakus and non otakus reason to bang their heads against a brick wall. Anime/manga is awesome, but lets face it, there are many things about this medium that are slightly less awesome. Many things.
I hope that while reading you get a chuckle and stop to appreciate the things that make it all the more enjoyable to have fun otakuing.
I hope that if aliens actually exist and ever decide to visit Earth they will
A.All be female,
B.Physically resemble humans in every way possible except for maybe a cat tail or rabbit ears or some other useless appendage that looks like it could be purchased at your local Party City,
C.Have heaving breasts, and
D.Throw themselves on the first miserable loser they see and call it destiny so that I can feel like I've learned something from all the crud I watch. The things I do for you guys.
Seriously though if that all magically happens I officially reserve the right to the name "SmokinHotSpaceBabe-ians".
Manga/anime often delves into deeper things such as the meaning of life, love, grief, war, human nature, and the complications of sharing your bedroom with an innocent yet voluptuous space babe who doesn't understand your silly earth concept of "clothing" (and you all know that this is a pretty common yet oddly specific genre). In all seriousness though, I often find myself viewing or reading a particularly philosophical piece that causes me to ask the deeper questions like: What is my purpose on this earth? What can I do to enrich my own life as well as the lives of other people around me? What does it all mean? Is there really a God? . . . . . . .
. . . . .
How the hell is she even alive right now?!
Seriously, spines don't bend like that! Is she made of silly putty?! Does being half-naked give you, like, an advantage over the laws of physics or something? Do enormous knockers give you the ability to fight like Mr.Fantastic on speed?
I CHALLENGE you to try to pose like that!
The world may never know. Such are the insightful ponderings of an un-witting anime schmuck viewer. We are a deep breed.
This one is for you. Since I did a anime/manga dude stereotype list, I thought it would only be fair to focus on the ladies. "But I thought the stereotypes applied to all genders," you say, "besides attractive anime/manga guys are pretty much girls, right?". Wrong. You see, Japan knows that what's attractive to men:
Well developed characters who act maturely for completely legitimate reasons, of course.
Emphasis on "developed".
Let's face it, it's hard to find well done women characters in anime/manga. Shiny boobs are in abundance though, and to each glorious pair is attached a "personality", you know, so you can focus on the story. Here's a handy dandy guide, so you know your options.
Back row starting left going right:
1. "Stupid Hair"- There's always one of these and the way I see it, the creators of every slightly smutty anime/manga ever sat down at one point and said to each other, "You know, I don't think we have enough revenue-generating sluts! Now I know we've got like 10 already but just give this one the most moronic hair ever and THAT can be her unique personality!"
2. "Anime Velma"- Kind of like the girl version of the Underwear Nerd (see earlier post for def.) except she's a girl so of course SHE'LL NEVER SHUT UP. NEVER.
3. "SkankyJezebelSlutWhore"- Yeah there's pretty much one function this character type serves and it's not "to add further depth and insight to the well-developed plot". She's usually in a position of authority, like a teacher or a nurse, because lawsuits are sex-ay.
4. "I Might as Well Have a Penis"- The sporty tomboy who is highly competitive. She's usually uncomfortable with wearing feminine clothes and most always the, "I can't believe my boobs are so small, but yours are HUUUGGGE," conversation. Practically a man, so she's usually stupid and loud, like a man. Men are all like that, right?
5. "Silent but Deadly"- Gentle, reserved, the portrait of a lady. Until you piss her off. Then she's the f*cking Hulk. She'll lay the smackdown on yo' punk male ass without batting an eyelash. Then she'll return to sipping her Earl Grey through a smug grin that even Tom Hiddleston would be proud of.
6. "Not in Kansas Anymore"- The foreigner who usually comes from the boonies. It logically follows that she's dumb and has no idea how to behave in modern civilization, which usually means she refuses to wear underwear. Everyone knows hicks don't wear underwear. All of them are also porno versions of Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, legit. Take a drive in the country sometime, you'll see.
Front starting left going right and then ending at the pigtails.
7. "The Token Mary Sue"- She is PERFECT, every cutesy wide-eyed delicate sweet sickeningly NO ONE IS LIKE THIS charming inch of her. Every anime/manga is bound to have this type of character in some way shape or form because it's easy for you, the reader, to project yourself on her. It works because deep down we all have a little Kanye West in us and think we are perfect talented rock stars who can do no wrong.
8. "Rich Bitch"- Annoying, Ignorant, Snotty, Spoiled, Every Unlikable Trait Ever human being. Yet, because deep down she really cares or has a heart of gold or whatever, the rest of the group lets her stay. Usually that makes them worse off because this type of character is generally not great PR, useless in a fight, and has a knack for getting in trouble, but SOMEONE'S family has to own a beach house! How else could the swimsuit episodes happen?!
9. "My Voice is 5 Octaves Higher Than Theodore the Chipmunk"- She's the quiet shy bangs over the adorable eyes that would make Bambi jealous type. Kind of like Token Mary Sue, but not extroverted enough to express her generic opinions about love and friendship. Instead she just blushes. Close enough.
10. "Discover Your Inner Pedobear"- The 12 yr old who is always ALWAYS sexualized. It's never blatant like SkankyJezebelSlutWhore but rather in the more subtle, "Oniii-chaan! My shirt can't fit over my astoundingly well developed breasts! Help me put it on!" or for the flat chested variety ,"Onnii-chaaan! Why are you not attracted to MY body?! Am I too kid-like? Is that why you don't love me?". Now granted, there are some sweet, innocent ones but I group those in the Theodore the Chipmunk Girl category. When handling this "Sexy Elementary School" category (oh I just cringed a little typing that) it's important to remember: keep this up and one day you will look and act like The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. You don't want that. Trust me, google it and then have fun not sleeping ever again.
And that concludes my list! If you think I missed something or have anything to add at all, feel free to comment! And as always
have fun otaku-ing!
PS: On a pretty related note, 2 glasses of mountain dew and several "anime girls in swimsuit" image searches online make for a very interesting friday night.