I wouldn't really say that it was confusing, but more of what I think is a story written in a more poetic way. Are you good with poems? If you haven't looked into it, I suggest to do so. I really do think this is brilliant though, it seems to have a type of blooming characteristic. I think that the way you typed this is very interesting, because I haven't really seen many Authors write like this, so please continue, I agree with Kikii, this story could be gold ^_^
Chapter one is kind of confusing. I like where you're going with this, though. Is "the light" a good thing, or is it something that she's afraid of? Or is it the fading memory or freedom of where she used to live? What job promo did her mom get? The mystery of the voices she hears is attracting. Characterization is a little shaky. Try planning. You may not know it, but it helps to write ideas down, and when you get to the computer, revise. I like the story a lot. The protagonist lacks the unfavorable cocky and garrulous characteristics of most leading female characters. Is Jordan the leading male? Do they end up liking each other. I really hope not. Keep writing. he story could be gold.
manami26
Title: Senior Otaku+ | Posted 07/24/09 | Reply
I wouldn't really say that it was confusing, but more of what I think is a story written in a more poetic way. Are you good with poems? If you haven't looked into it, I suggest to do so. I really do think this is brilliant though, it seems to have a type of blooming characteristic. I think that the way you typed this is very interesting, because I haven't really seen many Authors write like this, so please continue, I agree with Kikii, this story could be gold ^_^
kikii
Title: Senior Otaku | Posted 12/22/08 | Reply
Chapter one is kind of confusing. I like where you're going with this, though. Is "the light" a good thing, or is it something that she's afraid of? Or is it the fading memory or freedom of where she used to live? What job promo did her mom get? The mystery of the voices she hears is attracting. Characterization is a little shaky. Try planning. You may not know it, but it helps to write ideas down, and when you get to the computer, revise. I like the story a lot. The protagonist lacks the unfavorable cocky and garrulous characteristics of most leading female characters. Is Jordan the leading male? Do they end up liking each other. I really hope not. Keep writing. he story could be gold.