Kenny The Stalker

Soft, ruby red lips, bright orange eyes, and the most electric blue hair. A body as slim as a model’s, and the ability to look good in whatever she wore. She had the voice of an angel, and overall, her looks were that of a goddess’.

This girl was Kenny’s idea of perfection.

This girl was called Ming-Ming.

“Oh, Ming-Ming… How I love thee so,” Kenny sighed, looking up at his Ming-Ming covered wall. “You’re the jelly to my peanut butter. The sugar to my tea. The Juliet to my Romeo.”

Another love-filled sigh escaped Kenny’s lips. He flopped down onto his bed, and picked up his most favourite picture of Ming-Ming. He’d framed it, and put it on his bedside table, so he could gaze at her dreamily as he drifted to sleep, and so she was the first thing he saw when he awoke.

“Kenny! Max is on the phone!” the voice of Kenny’s Mum shouted up the stairs.

Kenny silently cured Max for interrupting his thoughts of Ming-Ming, and stomped down the stairs, yanking the phone out of his Mother’s hand as soon as he reached her. He could practically hear Max’s excitement buzzing on the other end. Unless that was something else…

“Max, you do know you just interrupted my very important train of thought, don’t you?” Kenny snapped down the phone.

“No. Why would I know that? I’m not psychic. Anyway if your very important train of thought involves Ming-Ming, you will be glad to know that I have news regarding her.”

Kenny nearly wet himself when he heard Max’s answer.


“Jesus, Kenny. I only just found out myself, when I saw her wandering around the shop. She’s moved to this town, and is happily trotting around the shops.”


“Kenny, please stop shouting. Yes, I am following her for you. She’s in the mall at the moment, looking in the designer shops.”

Kenny said no more, but put the phone down, put his shoes on, and ran out of the door as fast as he could. His little legs were working at high speed to get him down to the mall quickly.

It didn’t take long for Kenny to spot Max when he reached the mall. The blonde was crouched down behind a little bush, apparently hiding from the stalkee. Kenny tutted, and made his way over to Max, crouching down and tapping Max on the back.

“Holy Mother of crap, Kenny! You scared the shit out of me!” Max exclaimed, clutching his chest and looking somewhat shocked.

“Face? Bothered? If that is you attempting to hide, by the way, you fail massively,” Kenny replied, craning his head around the bush so he could see through the window of the designer shop opposite them. “Is she in there?”

“Yeah, she was checking out a frilly pink thong just before you arrived,” Max replied, also peering around the bush.

When Kenny didn’t reply or acknowledge that Max had even spoken, Max turned to his obsessed friend. He shook his head when he saw Kenny staring up at the roof, drooling and his nose bleeding. He clearly couldn’t keep an imagine of Ming-Ming in only a frilly pink thong out of his head.

“Kenny, get those images out of your head now. They are doing nothing to help the tent in your trousers,” Max said, also sparing a glance down at Kenny’s crotch.

“Yes they are… They’re making it bigger…”

“Kenny, you cannot stalk someone whilst you’ve got a raging hard-on.”

Kenny was spared defending his penis, by Max gasping and pointing towards the shop they were watching. Kenny focused his attention to what Max was looking at, and nearly did a tiny little wee when he saw Ming-Ming sashay her way out of the shop, a bodyguard with her carrying all her bags.

“I wonder if she’s got that little thong on under her little dress…” Kenny mumbled to himself as he intently watched Ming-Ming step onto the escalator going up to the next floor.

“Down, boy. Now that you’re happy, I’ll be leaving you to it,” Max said, standing up and making to walk away.

“No!” Kenny shot up and grabbed Max’s arm. “You can’t leave me to stalk her on my own!”

“I am not staying here with you and watch you explode in your underwear from all the excitement. I have much more important things to do,” Max replied, trying (and failing) to tug his arm from Kenny’s clutches.

“What… Like Mariam?” Kenny grinned.

Max stared.

“I will stay with you for an hour only and on the condition that you tell no one about Mariam and I,” Max said, admitting defeat.

Kenny did not let go of Max’s arm, and pulled the blonde-haired boy towards and onto the escalator. Ming-Ming had already reached the top, and was walking towards yet another designer shop.

“Max, we need to hurry, or we’re going to lose her!” Kenny exclaimed, and running up the rising stairs with Max behind him.

Everyone they pushed past made disgruntled and annoyed noises, but Kenny took no notice of them, whilst Max gave an apologising look to every single one of them. Stilling pulling Max along, Kenny rushed towards the shop that Ming-Ming had just entered. Deciding not to enter it (though it was very tempting…), Kenny stayed outside, and casually leant against the glass window of the shop.

“You know she’s going to see you and your hard-on when she comes out of the shop, right?” Max said, standing next to Kenny, and raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe I want her to,” Kenny replied, shrugging.

“Kenny, the whole point of stalking someone is that they shouldn’t see you,” Max pointed out.

“Not if you’re doing it the Kenny way,” Kenny replied, glancing over his shoulder into the shop.

Ming-Ming was approaching the door, and was on her way out. Her bodyguard was laden down with even more bags, and Ming-Ming seemed to be enjoying watching him struggle.

“Hey, Ming-Ming,” Kenny said casually as Ming-Ming exited the store. Max slapped himself in the face, not believing what Kenny was doing.

“Hi… Whatever your name is. What are you doing here?” Ming-Ming replied.

“Stalking you.”

Max stared at Kenny. Ming-Ming stared at Kenny. Ming-Ming’s bodyguard stared at Kenny. Kenny wondered why they were all staring at him.

“You’re… What?” Ming-Ming asked, not quite believing she had heard the little midget correctly.

“Stalking you. It gives me a great amount of pleasure, because I luuurve you, Ming-Ming! See?! I eve got a hard-on for you!” Kenny said, pointing at his crotch.

Ming-Ming and her bodyguard looked to where Kenny was pointing, and then back up at Kenny’s face with looks of sheer disbelief. Max was backing away slowly, vowing to break off his friendship with Kenny.

A loud slap was heard, as Ming-Ming’s palm made contact with Kenny’s face. Max watched as Ming-Ming and her minion stormed off, a look of disgust on both of their faces. Max looked at Kenny, who was beginning to make his way over to Max.

“You ruined that, you know,” Max said.

“I know,” Kenny replied. He sounded as though he was going to cry.

Max patted his shoulder, and Kenny looked up.

“Never mind! I’ve still got pictures of her to w*nk over!”