My dearest lovelies, can we have a real conversation for a minute? I just wanted to say that I finally understand the way I'm feeling. This post is going to delve into some heavy stuff, if that makes you uncomfortable you may want to leave now.
Before I said I want feeling very human lately from the massive amounts ive had to study, and the nightmares were eating at my mind. I now understand what brought everything on. I didn't give you wonderful people all the details in these posts and wallpapers because I wasn't sure of them myself. Lately I've been thinking about my grandfather a lot. Thinking of him and how he died. Without much rhyme or reason my brain would go back to that night throughout the day and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why. "Why now?!" I found myself asking all the time. I'd try to study and it would replay, wash the dishes and another replay, go for a run and damn if it didn't replay again.
I could hear the gurggles...the spirits of air escaping, I could smell the house and that sickeningly sweet odor hanging around. I....I was just sort of stuck in that night all over again and had no idea why. Classes aside everything has been wonderful lately. I'm happy, I'm having fun and enjoying each day. Why the hell is this happening now?!....then yesterday it finally clicked. I was going back because of study material for my death and dying class. The class is currently reading a book about silent grief of child loss. What would that remind me of my grandfather? Because that experience for me was the closest thing to the authors pain I had ever felt.
When I read or speak with people, I tend to pick up the emotions being portrayed. I in a sense feel what the other person is feeling. I've been told I'm an "empath" and that's why things like this particular event happen. Of that, I'm not sure. What I do know is I was picking up o her pain and helplessness and the closest I've ever come o those feelings...was that night. That terrifying cold night.
Now that I've made that connection, I'm resting easier and feeling more like myself again. I'm not quite as haunted by it and I've even been given comfort in those events as well. I feel human again, I feel like me again and I couldn't feel better.