Hey, guys. Today is the 26th. It's not much of an important day to you, but to me, it meant something. Even if it's not a very specific 26th, this number of each month really meant something to me and it reminded me of a special day four years ago every time I were to encounter it. I don't know whether to love or hate this day of the months anymore because it brings me both happiness and grief; happiness of what once was and grief of what is now... I don't know what I'm going to do... realizing what day of the month it is really got me super depressed and I know I'm going to be for the whole day most likely... not that I'm already not super depressed as is, but you get the idea. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything later today. I'll most likely just stay in bed and be a depressed nobody. I guess I can say at least I have my dogs to help cheer me up at times.
What can I say? These three have been helping me through my depression (somewhat) throughout this month. I'm glad I have them around to distract me from my thoughts and feelings. I love them so much and I'm glad to have them in my life, especially right now.
So, I want to apologize to you guys for having to hear nothing but my own sadness from me this past month. Like I know it's nobody else's problem and I tend to keep my problems to myself, but I've been an emotional wreck mentally and I need an out. I hate burdening people with my thoughts and emotions in the first place, so I usually don't say anything. But I really don't have anyone to talk to now about this. When I had a problem I would just tell my ex what was up, but now that Isn't a possibility. The majority of my really life friends don't wanna hear it anymore and I actually lost a couple of them because of this. I can't turn to my parents or family because all they'll pretty much say is "It'll be ok." and such. This is the only out I can think of right now... if you want to unfollow me because it gets annoying to keep reading this negativity and grief, then I completely understand. But this is the only way I can think of releasing this stress I'm having, which in all honesty isn't doing too much... Again, I'm sorry if my ranting and venting is bothering you, but it'll most likely continue. This was a big thing in my life and I can't just be like "well fuck it! It's not a big deal" because, to me, it really was a big deal. Yeah, I messed up, like 95% of it is my fault, but it's not that easy to get over it. I have been working on myself, though (at least I feel I've be improving).
I've definitely started being a lot more responsible about what I do and how I think. Plus, I've been going to the gym more often. Unfortunately, I've been going by myself (I despise going by myself), but it's helping me become a lot more fit, also with the fact that I've been eating a lot healthier. I still am having a hard time eating more, but at least I don't go a day without eating something like I was earlier. I'm just glad there's some progress going on in something right now. I just miss her all the time, you know?
