My stomach has been hurting all day today. All of these memories keep flooding into my head as if it was stuck in some sort of memory compactor. I don't know lol I'm just being stupid. But I'm all seriousness my emotions are getting to me again... I kind of shut myself into seclusion again... I just don't want to talk to other people right now, hell not even my parents really. I took some Advil earlier because I was getting a headache, but I don't think it really helped much. All I did today was just lay on the couch and watch Netflix while just brooding over all of this. It mainly just consisted of wanting to talk to her and wondering if she even misses me at all. I wish this was just a sick game. I wouldn't even be mad if that was the case. I completely understand how she felt at times when she felt alone... the sad thing is I didn't even mean for that to happen... I just wish she would talk to me, you know? It's like I've even been steering away from my own "lifestyle". Not because I want to, but because it's actually just got boring... Hell, I'm barely even playing games anymore, I've been wanting to go to places (I kind of have been... somewhat... it's just by myself) and I just want her right beside me again... I'm being severely calm about all of this, but I just want to go back to being together and doing stuff... together, you know? I miss her so, so, so much... I just wish she felt the same...
Like last time, I apologize for being so down, but I really can't help it... This girl, even if she didn't think it, meant a lot to me. I should've showed it more than I did, but I know better now... I know A LOT better now...
Hey, guys. Today is the 26th. It's not much of an important day to you, but to me, it meant something. Even if it's not a very specific 26th, this number of each month really meant something to me and it reminded me of a special day four years ago every time I were to encounter it. I don't know whether to love or hate this day of the months anymore because it brings me both happiness and grief; happiness of what once was and grief of what is now... I don't know what I'm going to do... realizing what day of the month it is really got me super depressed and I know I'm going to be for the whole day most likely... not that I'm already not super depressed as is, but you get the idea. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything later today. I'll most likely just stay in bed and be a depressed nobody. I guess I can say at least I have my dogs to help cheer me up at times.
What can I say? These three have been helping me through my depression (somewhat) throughout this month. I'm glad I have them around to distract me from my thoughts and feelings. I love them so much and I'm glad to have them in my life, especially right now.
So, I want to apologize to you guys for having to hear nothing but my own sadness from me this past month. Like I know it's nobody else's problem and I tend to keep my problems to myself, but I've been an emotional wreck mentally and I need an out. I hate burdening people with my thoughts and emotions in the first place, so I usually don't say anything. But I really don't have anyone to talk to now about this. When I had a problem I would just tell my ex what was up, but now that Isn't a possibility. The majority of my really life friends don't wanna hear it anymore and I actually lost a couple of them because of this. I can't turn to my parents or family because all they'll pretty much say is "It'll be ok." and such. This is the only out I can think of right now... if you want to unfollow me because it gets annoying to keep reading this negativity and grief, then I completely understand. But this is the only way I can think of releasing this stress I'm having, which in all honesty isn't doing too much... Again, I'm sorry if my ranting and venting is bothering you, but it'll most likely continue. This was a big thing in my life and I can't just be like "well fuck it! It's not a big deal" because, to me, it really was a big deal. Yeah, I messed up, like 95% of it is my fault, but it's not that easy to get over it. I have been working on myself, though (at least I feel I've be improving).
I've definitely started being a lot more responsible about what I do and how I think. Plus, I've been going to the gym more often. Unfortunately, I've been going by myself (I despise going by myself), but it's helping me become a lot more fit, also with the fact that I've been eating a lot healthier. I still am having a hard time eating more, but at least I don't go a day without eating something like I was earlier. I'm just glad there's some progress going on in something right now. I just miss her all the time, you know?
I'm still missing her. Honestly, I'm being so pathetic about this. I'm doing my best to be cheerful and not show my true emotions to people, but the truth is it's taking a toll on me. I can't mask them like I used to. Hell, I was at my friend Jeremiah's house yesterday and I pretty much broke down to him saying I'm a fuck up and everything... he was being supportive and saying who knows what'll happen in the future. We might get back together and stuff. It's sad and pathetic of me that I keep waiting everyday for a text I know won't ever come... He concluded with two options for me: either move on or keep holding on until something happens. Move on? I mean, I know exactly why I'm holding on, but it's like I can't just let go that easily even though I know I'll never get another chance... I am kind of glad I got to talk to him. He said he was able to relate in certain aspects with me. Such a good friend, that he is. I was able to regain my composure and continue chilling with him after a little while and apologized about what happened. But yeah... it's getting rough on me mentally and emotionally. What can I do? I do love her. I just hope I can get better at masking my emotions again.
So, I got to play the demo do Sun and Moon and I gotta say, reeeaaallly liking what they've done aesthetically. I can see Game Freak is trying new things to make this generation pretty cool. I loved how hey twined Ash-Greninja into it using Greninja's Battle Bond ability. The game really "pops" into your face with all the vibrant colors that Alola is comprised of. If I have were to have complaint about this generation's gameplay, it would be the fact that I can't use the D-Pad to move around (I mean come on! I'm a veteran here! That's what I grew up using throughout the series XD) and how the Skull grunts wave there arms around all over the place when they're talking. I get that that's just part of what they're themed around and who they are, but I just find the flailing waves a bit too much. It's more of just a personal thing. XD I will say I really like their character design especially on Plumeria. owo So far so good on this generation. I suggest picking up a copy when it comes out on the 18th next month.
So, I was watching a friend playing Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and they were on the Shadow Temple. Throughout the temple there is this creepy picture of a rabbit head/skull being held up by arms popping out of a rabbit hole and, even during my childhood I thought that was one of the creepiest pictures I've ever seen in my life. So I looked it up on the internet and decided to do my own little bit of magic to it. I took the picture, made it black and white, lightened it up a bit, found some .png pictures of blood splatters and drips, darkened them, and overlayed them of the eyes. I then took a picture of static and overlayed it over the primary picture so it'd give it a more static-ey, hazy feel as if you were looking at it through a tv screen or so, placed some text and ta-dah~~ So, yeah. I'm considering this an early Halloween contribution.