Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.



My Tumblr Page

My Facebook

My DeviantART Page

My YouTube

My Twitch

My Instagram



I've actually been a member since 1/13/09

Name: Shayde.

Age: 27.

Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)

Sex: Male.



I put a smile on every day. Each day I tell myself it'll be okay, the future is always brighter than the past. But, my future feels so empty and dark compared to my past.

I hate being alone... I hate falling asleep with no one at my side. It's so empty and I feel so vulnerable to these thoughts I get right before I fall asleep... They're so intimidating...

I miss my ex... no one reads these, so I'll just straight up say it. I miss her warmth, I miss her smile, I miss the reassurance I got from just looking at her knowing that even though I scare myself with these abstract and fear-throbbing thoughts, I could care less because I was happy being with her. I lie to myself and say I don't love anyone and I don't deserve anyone, but somehow this little bit of glimmer of love seeps it's way through those lies and presents itself in front of me just so I'd have no choice, but to acknowledge its existence. Why can't I get over her? Why can't she see that I made a horrible mistake and would reverse everything just to have her back? I literally prayed to an empty fucking sky for a year... hoping to have a final chance... Why can't I get over her? She moved on, as far as I'm aware, SO WHY CAN'T I? ...Why can't I let go?... Maybe because deep down I dont want to... but that's not fair to her... but I can't help it... I dont want to hear "You'll find someone new" I want to hear, "I'm still here for you." She was the only one I've ever had who made me feel safe... This bed is so cold, this room is so empty, my mind is full of fear... I put on such a fun face, but I'm breaking down inside without even knowing it... because I mask it every day... but it's ot fair for her... So, I hide it all... I hide the pain... I hide the wants... I hide my cuts and scars of my own desires. Why can't God be real and let me have this one selfish wish?... I miss her so much to the point where this mentality becomes a physical, internal pain at times. But I have to hide and be selfless, right? That's just how it is, now...

Corner Creep

Hey, guys. It's been a little while. Sorry about that. I spend most of my "TheO" time on the Discord server, now. It's an enjoyable place, almost like old Chat. I mainly just popped on here to rant. It's still a place I like to say what's on my mind, or how I'm feeling just to help myself calm down or whatever.
I'm just depressed today. It's been a while I know, but I'm still me. I'm still going to have my faults whether I want them to exist, or not. One of those involving romantic emotions. I thought I was in the clear, but I guess all I did was shove them in a dark corner and assumed they were gone, only to be greeted by them again thanks to some good memories. I don't know what to do anymore... I tried, but it seems I can't get rid of them for good.
I should probably just back to being a liar and just lie to myself about how I really feel. I'm scared that'll probably bring me to the brink of insanity, though. Its not hard to lie about my emotions to others. Hell, I did that a lot to stay out of trouble, not hurt others, you name it. But, to myself... heh that's another story. I hate lying, but I can't just confess. I'm scared I'll ruin everything. Things gave been getting better and I don't want that to change. Guess we'll just see what happens. Can't predict the future. Fucking memories, man...

Why you gotta do this to me?

Here I was thinking it was over. I thought I had gotten over it all, pushed my life toward a bit, been enjoying myself for the most part. But guess what decided to come back~~ you guessed It! Depression. And guess what's always lingering with Depression! Emotions. Guess what revolves around emotions! Feelings. Guess what I FUCKING HAVE TO DEAL WITH AGAIN!! Feelings for my ex!!! Why?! Why depression?! Why you gotta do this to me??? I thought I was over her. I felt like I was sooooooooooo close to moving on, but then THIS! *points at depression* This smug-looking, natural trollgasm, shit-stain of a disease decides it wants to fuck me up... AGAIN! How am I supposed to alleviate It? I can't. I can't! Medication doesn't work for me, it only influences the depression even more. Therapy didn't work last time I went and I highly doubt it will now. Trust me, if I had the courage to actually shoot myself, I'd been dead years ago. Ugh, it'd be much easier if everything we're how it used to be. At least I wouldn't have to be dealing with these dramatic emotional pop ups. And I'm being respectable with her new relationship and not pushing myself into it. I mean if something happens in the future, great. If not, then it doesn't happen. Nothing I can do about that. I just wish my depression would stop fondling my heart with these old memories and etc.

A Post

This is a post. You will not get it if you weren't there. Have a good day.

I guess a life update?

I don't know when my last life update was, nor do I really care to check but im sure its been a little while since I last made one. So, to start things off I have been doing very well in my life, so far. Not a lot is going on when it comes to activities, meeting up with people, and going out. But, I haven't just been lounging in my room for 25 hours a day, 8 days a week,either. X3 I'm fine with this steady pace I have going on.

Depression has been on and off for a while, but it's not as bad as it was the end of last year and the beginning of this year. No suicide attempts for several months now, so let's try to keep it that way. XD the only bad one I had since then was last week where I felt like a 5,000 lbs weight was dropped on my back and I couldn't break out from under it. Luckily, I was on Xbox and in a party with some of my closest friends who were able to help talk me through it and such. I'm glad I have them in my life.

I've been hit on a few times this year and as much as I find it flattering, I'm still not ready for another relationship with anyone new. And no, I'm not clinging on to the past (mostly)... I'm just not looking right now. Plus, I'm still very insecure with the way I look WHICH I'M WORKING ON RIGHT NOW!! >~<;;

Uh, so yesterday I officially got my new car. It's not really new, but it is to me. :3 It's an 08 Honda Accord EX coupe with a V6 manual transmission engine. <333 Plus, its black!!!<33333 I won't jump into specs, since I'm sure you guys aren't car people. XD but I love it. I want to start working on it as soon as possible, but I still need to worry about life and such. Why can't I just won the lottery? TWT

I don't think I'm going to be doing anything for October. If anything I might do two drawings both being Halloween related or so. But, yup! That's pretty much it. I'm just enjoying my life as well as I can right now.