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Hello! This is my main world, where I do most of my general posting. Feel free to stay a while and enjoy yourself. ^^

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SOME INFO

I've actually been a member since 1/13/09

Name: Shayde

Age: 25

Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)

Sex: Male.

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I love you, but you're real.

It's ok, little nekomimi. Reality isn't fun anyways. You're better off in your two dimensional world.

I stumbled upon more memories

God damn it! Just when I was about to feel better about myself, just when I was certain things were going to be decently better, I get thrown back into my little corner of "joy"... I was going through my photos on my phone and deleting ones that I didn't care for anymore.... and there they were... photos of us... from our trip to the gardens down here and the concert we went to in Texas... fucking... god... damn it... I never gave her these photos and I have been meaning to... It's been pretty much 4 months now... and I was starting to forget her face because it's been so long... and then I had these photos, these memories... to remind me what she looked like... and what I had... it reminded me that we could have fun... it reminded me what I wanted after she came back... and then it strikes me again that she's gone... and the feelings... the loneliness, everything I thought that was finally starting to dissipate starts rushing back into me and now I feel as horrible as I did when we broke up... now I miss her so much and I wish she would talk to me and I want to cry and I just severely hate myself... I miss her so damn much... I can't take it... I really can't take the silence... I can't fucking do it.... I just wanted us to be better.... why did this have to happen?...

I don't know what to do with these pictures and videos anymore... I want to keep them and delete them... I want our relationship to have worked... I want her to talk to me again... is it really too much to ask for?... I really can't take it anymore...

I wish she had the same ideas and thoughts I have... just have that thought inside her head of what were to happen if we were still together or what were to happen if we tried working on our current bond... I've had those thoughts on and off very frequently these past few months... which is why I wish she would have let me try when we just broke up. I really felt I could have saved it... I really really felt that... you don't realize what you had until it's gone, so why wouldn't you try to work on getting that back?... why wouldn't you work on having what shows through these photos?...

I just realized something.

I have been doing a lot more thinking while I was gone. I can't leave this place even if I wanted to. I've been here so long because it hasn't its own gravitational pull on me. I shouldn't leave because of all that's been going on. Fuck that shit then. This place is too awesome to let emotions take it away from me (even if it is pretty dead in several aspects). I'm not going to let this take me over. Yeah I wish someone would still talk to me on here, but that shouldn't be the only reason I come on here. So, I'm going to attempt to be more active on other things on this site and not let this shit bite me in the ass anymore.

I could totally work on art again since I do have a few unfinished pieces that I can be uploaded. I can continue working on my other worlds (gaming world will have to wait until I get a better PC. I've become more of a casual and made it more of a hobby anyways so I'm not in any rush for that.) I can still post music in my music world. If chat was still around I'd jump on that, but that'll most likely not happen anytime soon.

I'm not going to lie. I was in a very very dark place last week. I actually thought about leaving home just to get away from it all. It's not like it'd be the first time I tried running off or got kicked out, but those are different reasons that I will not get into. But yeah, all I could think of was leaving, and become completely anonymous to the world, excluding everyone and everything out of my life. I still feel like that. I don't have a rock anymore to help me with that, but fuck it, right? I'll work on myself to make myself feel better, or at least try to. For now, I'm going to just do things here because I shouldn't let my emotions take over this place from me.

So, I'm back with a mask to help show me off to this site. ^^

Apology.

You know, I spent yesterday doing a lot of thinking... A LOT of thinking... I actually got a small headache after a while. But, there's things that need to be said and so I'm going to say it.

First off, I have an apology I would like to announce to the people that actually read what I say on here. I'm sorry if I have brought any of you down over the past few months, whether it being that your day was ruined or stressed you out from hearing someone else's stress. I will admit I have severely been down and close to creating or have created suicidal tendencies, but nobody wants to be around that. I have had very little help with obtaining a coping mechanism, but I do appreciate the people who have tried to find one with me. You guys are great.

Second off, I want to apologies to my ex. I don't know if she will see this, but at least it'll be here to read if she does. So, here I go.

Hey.
If you see this, then that's good. If you don't, well at least it's off my chest now. I want to say how sorry I am for not being a good boyfriend to you especially while you were here. I did try my best, but the conflictions we had got the best of both of us. I did read your most recent post and, yeah, it would've been a year yesterday. I remember picking you up that day and being super nervous. After all, we were officially living together so how could someone not be nervous? It really was an awesome day to arrive at the airport and see you there, leaving and having you sit next to me in the car as we headed out.
You know, I still miss us... I know you're probably tired of hearing that or even thinking about it, but I do miss us. Hell, even after the whole break up and us just talking and goofing off on here, I miss that, too. I still wish that I could've had that chance I wanted. I'm sure it would've been different; I was so dedicated to become a better individual in your eyes. Heh... I guess that'd never happen anyways... I let love get the best of me and it just pushed you away further... I still don't plan on dating anyone else, like that really even matters at this point, but I guess that's just more of a personal thing now.
I'm also sorry about my previous post that you took offense to. I can see how that would come off offensive, but I honestly wasn't expecting you to get offended by it since you should know how my mind works and how I saw you more than just your ethnicity. And no it wasn't a jab at Mexicans or anything like that. Again, like I said before, it really was more of a compliment. You are a beautiful lunatic and no one could be better at that than you. So, please understand that I meant no offense to you, your family or your ethnicity. Hell your family, even though you say they are crazy, sound cool and I wish I could have met more of them. Yes, even your step-father who wasn't much into me to begin with, seemed like he would've been enjoyable to talk to if he actually gave me that chance. But it doesn't really matter now. Anyways, I'm sorry for everything old and recent that has happened.

And third off, I would like to say that after this post, I am going on hiatus from this site. I don't have any reason to come here anymore after losing contact.. literally the majority of the reason I came on here, besides posting, was to talk to my ex, but that's not really a thing anymore. I don't know if it will be a permanent hiatus or if it'll just be a few weeks. But if it helps people from not getting stressed out, then why should I continue to stay? This site was like my second home for the longest time, all the way back to '09. As of right now, I have no reason to really come here, I have no reason to call it a home, unless something gives me a reason to. But that most likely may not happen. I might check every now and then to see if something popped up or whatever, but I most likely will not be posting here.

It was fun, but until further notice, this is me... signing out...

...I hate my feelings.

I hate my feelings. I can get so mad, but then regret it later on. I hate being mad and I really do my best to try and not be. But it's like, if you're gonna rub me the wrong way, what are you expecting from me? To just take it? Yeah, I used to because I was a bitch, but now it's like I'm not up for that shit anymore... I just want this bullshit to end... I just wanna go back to how things were before it got super heated... I really just want everything to stop... I hate this... I hate it so much. Fuck, even during my previous post my gut felt so twisted while typing that because I know I wouldn't normally go on a tangent like that... I hate all that's been going on so fucking much... sometimes I just feel that things would be better if I just stopped existing, you know? I wanna say sorry, but really don't know if I would actually be sorry this time... that's just something I'd have to think about...

I just seem to piss people off and I'm not even trying to start anything! I can't even say anything without someone jumping down my throat with their dick hanging out... and no it's not just my ex, even a few friends on Xbox got on me because apparently I wanted to express an opinion. 2016 never left, it just changed fucking numbers. Everyone still gets offended over the slightest of things and has to just get so damn anal... Granted, I know we're only twelve days in the new year, but it's like fuck man. People that usually never got offended by anything are now getting offended by everything and, again, I'm not just talking about my ex. You can't say shit without someone just getting on you these days... I might as well just go back to being quiet and not communicate anymore. Seems like it was a horrible idea to have come out of my shell... I hate everything about 2016... I hate my fucking feelings... if I could go back and shoot myself, I would. Even though that's still a very plausible thing to do since I am right here with myself after all...

Fuck it...

The only thing that was good about 2016 was actually living with my ex. Not my first ex, she could die in a fire for all I care and her stupid ass whipped husband who apparently might still have beef with me. But yeah living with my ex was definitely the best thing to have happened last year. Not really much the fighting, but honestly what fucking relationship doesn't fight? I wish it worked better though. I've known people who fought worse than we did and are still together. It all just fucking sucks...