Riza and Lust had just arrived at the train station as the train lethargically pulled in. Once they boarded that train, they would leave behind the town and its inhabitants forever. Just as they got on, a man with short, spiky hair and small, round sunglasses stepped off. Just the air about the man was dangerous, and many around him could tell this and backed away, more so after he smiled his sinister smile, revealing his pearl-white, pointed teeth. He was none other than Greed, the very man who sought the sheriff’s life. Waiting for him at the station were three shady men, obviously impatient for his arrival ‘til now. The moment Riza saw them from out the window, her resolve completely diminished. Discreetly, she left her bags to be unloaded by the bellboy and followed them, not even once giving away her presence to the vagabonds. Beneath her skirts, a handgun was strapped to her leg. Lust merely looked on as the train rolled away.

“We ready, boys?” Greed questioned, eyeing his partners in crime.

“Sure as that meatball in the sky we are!” one called. “We been waitin’ for ya, Greed!”

“Meatball in the sky? Who made up this cheesy dialogue?” The author glared at Greed, reminding him that he was defenseless in this fic, having been robbed of his Ultimate Shield powers so as to make it fairer for Roy, and that technically she could kill him off right then and there. He resumed with the storyline as planned and made no more comment on the dialogue.

The four goons –

“I am not a goon!”

Okay, okay, the homunculus and his three goons walked into the center of town, prowling like lions after their prey- in this case, Roy Mustang. Before her cover was blown, Hawkeye hid in the nearby shop, looking out the window at her prey. However, she wasn’t stupid. She wouldn’t shoot until they dispersed and divided. At least that way the others couldn’t shoot at her.

Roy walked out of the sheriff’s office and, gun in hand, and hid behind a pillar so as to not be seen by his pursuers. But he could see them. Taking careful aim, he lifted the revolver and pulled the trigger on one of the lackeys. The man fell dead, and Roy had to run quickly to evade the rapid shower of gunfire afterward.

As expected, the remaining three split up to look for the target. Roy, not suspecting anyone would find him, hid in a barn somewhere elsewhere in the town. It was quite some time before goon number two arrived. Roy attempted to shoot at him from the top of the barn, but missed. Bad move. The lackey decided, in an attempt to sneak up on him, to enter the barn, and shoot from underneath. But Roy anticipated this, and moved to a different part of the loft before he did so. Bang! Another one down. This time he didn’t miss.

“Why did I even miss the first time?” Keep in mind, I’m not too good at writing out fight scenes, and I have zero experience with gun fighting stuff like this. This is the first gunslinger I’ve ever tried parodying.

But his troubles weren’t over yet.

“What’s going to happen this time, the last goon’s gonna come and light the barn on fire?” Maybe, maybe not…

As Roy predicted, the third and last lackey did come along. Seeing his dead comrade on the ground in the barn, he figured that Roy was likely still up in the loft. Instead of shooting at him, however, he thought of a much, what he thought to be, cleverer idea. He took two lanterns, threw them into two separate piles of hay, and ignited them both by gunshot. All he had to do was sit outside the barn and wait for the prey to emerge, or burn.

Assessing the situation, Roy recalled that this barn in particular held horses. He jumped down from the loft, evading the flames, and one by one scared each of the horses out of the barn. On the last, he stole an old Indian trick. All the gun fighter saw was a stampede of horses, never once noticing a man hanging on the other side of the last one.

Back in the center of town, the third goon had returned to see if by some off chance Roy might have mysteriously escaped. Or he was looking to see if Greed was still alive, one or the other. Either way, this was Riza’s chance to prove her skills with a gun. Just as the lackey was checking his ammo, in similar experience to Forrest Gump, her bullet “bit” him in the buttocks. The sole difference aside from setting, the lackey didn’t survive the gunshot wound as Forrest had. Riza, still holding the gun, observed her handiwork.

“Huh… didn’t mean to get him there,” she thought aloud. “But, so long as he’s dead, I’m not complaining.” Unfortunately, her thoughts were what gave her away…

Roy was in the sheriff’s office again, this time hiding from what he thought were the last two left until he saw the unfortunate third lackey sprawled on the dusty road. In the parlor across that road, a man emerged, holding in front of him a woman in white, her hair braided behind. Roy recognized both immediately. The last person he wanted involved at the wrong end of the mess, Riza, was now captive at the hands of his predator. The man who had captured her was Greed.

“Mustang! Come out here and fight like a man!” Greed called out hastily, still holding one hand firm over Riza’s mouth. She struggled to escape, but her attempts were futile. Enraged by these actions, Roy responded to the man’s challenge.

“Not until you let her go,” he declared, standing out the door. In doing so, he was fully aware that he was making himself an open target.

“Much obliged.” He released Riza, and the moment her hands were free, she socked him in the face. The hostage was now the captor, and the captor was now unconscious and about to face his end by, not the gun of his enemy, but something far more humiliating: that of his enemy’s wife. But in this story, at the very least –

“Aw come on, you’re gonna let Riza take him out?” Roy whined in the background at the author.

“We all know she’d be the one to save your butt in a situation like this anyway,” the author replied smugly, continuing with modifying her latest cosplay costume while reading Les Miserables (A/N: note I’m not doing those two things at the exact same time, my fingers would be bleeding like heck if I did. But I am working on both at equal intervals with this fic).

Greed was never fortunate enough to regain consciousness before Riza shot his face in the same place she punched him.

“Wow…” Roy staggered in awe. “But I thought Quakers didn’t believe in vio –“ Riza stopped him mid-sentence and walked up to where he stood, having already stowed away her gun.

“An old friend of yours – and that guy’s creepy aura,” she turned to look at Greed’s corpse, “Un-converted me, so to speak. And if you honestly thought I was just gonna let you die only two hours after we’ve been married, don’t kid yourself. I didn’t marry you so I could become a widow in a day.”

“Uh… “ Roy glanced at his sadly for now only in-story wife. “Isn’t this the part where we’re supposed to kiss and make up?”

“Don’t push your luck, Colonel.” And with that, they both walked back to the train station, Roy running after his wife the whole way.

“Wait? Colonel? Whatever happened to our marriage? Come on, you don’t really mean this was all for show! If this were real life,” and it was then that he finally popped the question, breathless as he was from running. “After this thing is over, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, I order you to marry me!” WHACK! Moments after uttering these words, he tasted the leather of Riza’s carry-on suitcase. The next train had already arrived.

“Just shut up and get on the train, we’ll talk it over later.”

After the ending scene rolled, Greed jumped back up on his feet, completely uninjured.

“No one was actually hurt in the writing process of this fanfic. Canon-wise, I’m still… dead and replaced by the Xing guy (A/N: manga reference). Also, sadly in the canon Riza Hawkeye and Roy Mustang are not yet married, nor will they likely ever be, at least to the author’s knowledge. And being short does not make Edward Elric a shrimp.” He let the note card from which he was reading fall to the ground. “Can I go now?”

“Actually,” the author replied, “I’d highly recommend you do that. I can see the fangirls coming to attack me already.”

Fiction: 04/25/08 | Posted By: cardcaptorryoko | 9 comments | Fullmetal Alchemist