I world for ranting, for letting out negative feelings.

You know...

you know Ive never been superstitious by any means, but todays been absolutely awful! For the first half the day at work I didnt know what I was supposed to do, admin said he didnt want me in laundry anymore becaue I like it to much and dont want to go back to the floor. Which is bull crap on a stick. Yes, I do have fun in laundry. Yes I like the people Im working with better here than on the floor. But no, I never said I didnt want to go back to the floor. i do. im actively trying to get my arm taken care of so I can come back it the floor.

Admins not her so cant ask him wht to do. He wnts me scrapping floors again. i scrapped everything I could srap already, got an awful friction burn on my arm, from it, and guys, Im not left handed by any means. Physical therapists DO NOT want me doing that sooo I had to call them and fax me a note sying that. Then theres the whole car issue. i finally have a rentql car again which is good but oh my freakin god! Its just one thing after another lately. And to top the icing off on the poo cake, my old stalker found me of freakin facebook....-slomps over in chair defeated- thats it, Im done. Today sucks. im going back to bed. -grabs mr.popo and curls up under blanket-

Update...sort of

my arms not doing much better. Turns out I have scar tissue in there and its super tight. An appointment mix up happened and they're threatening to send me back to full duty on the floor. How the hell am I supposed to pick people up when I cant pick up a half gallon of milk? How am I supposed to pick up people with dizzy spells and vision blurs? Im just....I dont think Ive felt this out of sorts since I lived with my awful parents.

The eye patch is slipping

I dont mean to complain or whine but Ive been delt a pretty shitty hand lately....not even lately just this past year. I get a job. Thats great. I get an admin thats got tps, ignores you and talks over you to your boss like a child. Thats bad. Almost lose said job before it starts because of parents. thats bad. Get in touch with off line friends again. Thats good. Find out they resent me for having a long term relationship and stop talking me again. Thats bad. Its our seven year annaversary. Thats good. Work tries to make me do a double that night. Thats bad. Get out of double. Thats good. Dog gets sick and we cant do out anyway. Thats bad. Then throw in chest pain, getting sick, spraining wrist, not healing and Okami getting sick and yeah....if I didnt have bad luck Id have none at all. Im just feeling...I dont know defeated I guess? I mean have you ever put on a mask to hide how you felt only to feel it cracking with everything weighing down on you? Like I said my eye patch is slipping....so you know what? Its time I stacked the deck. Screw this shitty hand Im going to get a better one!

I think I did something stupid guys...

This isnt a ranting or upset post. More of a...Usagis a friggin moron post. You dont have to read this if you dont want to. Its really just to get this off my chest. I think I pushed myself to far emotionally. Its been since 2009 that it happened...I didnt think a holiday thats supposed to be fun, joyous, and family closeness make me so uneasy. I wont go into detail because thEre are younger otakus here, but my grandfather died a very violent death christmas eve...I was there when it happened. If I didnt have Okami, my dearest Goku, and pokepark back then I would have lost it...

The following summer I hightailed it to MD to live with Okami. Since that year I havent celebrated christmas. Not because I was scared to but because we didnt have the room to or the money. Plus, both Okami and I converted to Islam so you know, its not really a holiday we celebrate now....butmy mother in law is still Chirstian. She still celebrates the holiday. I think I pushed myslf o far by helping her decorate for he occassion.

I mean, I was fine while doing it, but last night I had an aweful nightmare. Not aboutmy grandpa but my Goku. As a lot of you know, Goku is my dearest kitten that I left with my younger sister. During hat hard time in my life he never left my side for anything. He slept with me, ate with me, hell even bathed with me. He knew I was going through something hard. But last night...I dreamed he also met a violent end....I know it may sound stupid to some o be so attatched to an animal but I really depended on my little sayian. It messedme up so much this morning while I was at work I caught myself just staring off into space. Im still on light duty so it dnt make much differernce but still...

Not upset post more like freaked out....

Im going to start off by saying Im sorry about posting about my fears and insecurities here but......this is getting to be a little much for me. Also I apologize if this offends anyone....not my intention.

So working at the nursing home is ok. Once you look past the bullshit anyway. Im just getting to the point where I dont like meeting new peopleace to face anymore because of one question... "So how many kids do you have?" I know it sounds stupid and I know Im being overly sensitive but its really bothering me...not the question itself but how people ask it. Because Im so tired after work I dont do much after I get home. Naturaly I gined a little weight. Io got a tiny bit of pudge on my belly and eve yone assumes Im pregnant....

No...Im not....I never want to be...I know thats selfish but....that whole process terrifies me to my very core. What happens to the womans body before, during, and after pregnancy...has always terrified me. I watched my cousin eing born at the age of four. At the age ofn three I asked question about it and watched my cat give birth. She almost died. My aunt almost died. Some doctors refuse to ive pain killers because it will hurt the baby...what about the poor woman pushing a watermellon out of her private area?

What about the weak bladder months after giving birth? Or the sexually unattractive stretch mrks or leaking breasts? Not to mention brittle bones....everything...eveything about this process scares me. Because Imaining a little weight coworkers and residents alike ask me when Im due...Its embarrasing and uncomfortable. One coworker found out I dont want kids and now shes made it her mission to talk me into it...Im sorry if this offends you guys but I cant do it. A woman is closest to death when giving birth. I cant knock on deaths door for something Im afraid of doing. I just cant. Ive been asked about this and badgered about it so much Im having nightmares about it now. Sorry Im posting this crap again...I just need to let it out...