L is for love


She leaves. I hear the door slam as I am left alone again. Alone with
nothing but my own pathetic mind. But why do I always have to feel this
way? Why can’t it be her? I can’t keep blaming myself like this;
it’s not my damn fault! But what if it is just me and my mind?
I look around the room; behind the overthrown chair I can see
a smashed picture of her. I cradle it in my arms and weep. We haven’t
argued like this before. She’s never left me like this. All my
thoughts swirling around and around and around and around! At the
beginning it was perfect, her laughter still echoes in my head. She
makes me the happiest creature alive, and then breaks me down to
depression. I don’t want it to end, but I do. The pain doesn’t stop
anymore; it’s everything I feel at this moment. Apart from anger.
Anger towards her, anger towards everything that torments me. I want to
set my anger free but I will not let it control my soul.
I stand from my kneeling position below the doorway and look
upwards. The room is as dark and forbidding as the gates of hell. I
notice a beam of moonlight shining through a gap in the curtains. I
stagger over to the window and peer out of it; I cannot see anything
clear, my eyes blurred by my own water. I let a breath of air escape out
of my mouth. I love her, I feel guilty although I know I shouldn’t.
It’s not meant to be this way, why can’t she walk back in here and
tell me that it’s all ok?
Who will take me if I don’t have her? I will have her. I
must have her. The door clicks. My eyes slam into the side of my head
and stare fixated at the door. I convince myself that it wasn’t just
the wind. The door inches forward and then starts to swing towards me.
The walls seem to be rushing towards my eyes and the door is getting
bigger, her silhouette stands there in the doorway. She steps forward
and I see she has tear streaked cheeks. Only she can hit the lights on
this darkened room. She was waiting for me to say something, like the
night awaits the day. I took a few paces forward, my eyes filled with
despair and tears; she stepped back and ran outside. I did not think of
anything but her, I followed her with haste into the night.
I looked around into the darkened streets, clouds gathered
across the moon, a watching winters eye. She was now resting on a street
lamp, her grace filling the street with light. I grabbed her wrist and
tried to say something out of desperation. She swung around and gave me
a blow to the head; I fell to the floor and shattered my pride. My anger
lifted me up and pushed her into the fencing, she slammed upon the
grating making it scream out loud. The red mist cleared my vision and I
saw her. A defenseless girl. Crouching and begging me not to harm her. I
would never hurt her. What am I doing? This isn’t me. I slump to the
floor a dying wreck ever marked with guilt. My soul still feeding from
the loss.
I feel a hand touch my shoulder; I look up and see her
eyes staring deep into me, she knows how I feel for her, her pale green
eyes take me in. She helps me up to my feet. Her warm embrace like
flames on my skin. She gives me a look, and I know things will be ok. I
apologise through my eyes. Her liquid gown flows behind her as we walk
back towards safety and warmth; she is a vision of beauty. The pain
eases and I am left with happiness. I live in dread of it happening
again, as I know it will.