Hahaha!!! Kyuuute!! Poor, Dartboard Eyebrow-kun! Able to remember any females measurements, but can't remember their birthdays!!! Such an awesome story! I love everything you write!!!
it was great. at first i thought that they all hated her for some unknown reason, and robin was about to get kicked off of the ship, permanetly. i thought that luffy accidentally punched her (by the way he acted after wards). i also thought that the gasps were because luffy appologized, but that wasn't the case. it was a really great story i L.O.V.E it.
great job!!
I did kind of get a little confused toward the end when all those characters started appearing, since I wasn't really sure who they were. The hooves thing with Chopper really threw me off for a second there. XDD;
The actual writing was really good, too. :3 You have good grammar, spelling and sentence structure, as well as lots of different kinds of sentences. The one thing I think you might need a little work on is making it sound more active rather than passive, but I have that problem too, so I don't know how to help you with it. ORZZZZZ"
True; there are a lot of birthday/cakey fanfics. But I haven't seen many that end with it not really being that person's birthday.
(Or trying to keep people from eating floor cake...)
VIOLENT COMMA ABUSER!!! O.o;
That was funny. XD
And I overuse commas all the time, that's why I noticed.
You're welcome; I'm always happy when someone welcomes me being critical. ^__________^
I didn't actually think of this as much of a unique idea, since there are many stories about cake and people celebrating birthdays, especially in fanfiction...
But I really had to write something or I would fail creative writing class, so I used the idea.
OH YES. I'm a comma abuser! I take those commas to the corner and beat them up, telling them they're worthless and that they won't ever do anything right in lif- UHM. Yeah. 8D"
I know I have to work on that. And thank you for pointing out that sentence! I can't believe I wrote that. OTL;;;
Thanks so much for the critique, Miss Purple. ; u ;
*hugs*
Yum....
I could alomost taste the mikan cake on the floor... lol
The three-second-rule! you should be able to eat food which was dropped on the floor if it was only there for three seconds! (though it must have been 1 min when luffy ate it;)
great story! you should publish it! (or did you already?)
Unique story idea and no one seemed out of character.
The only thing I noticed was comma overusege.
Not in big run-on sentences, but just little things. For example: (Not exact quote)
"...ws shaking, and quite violently too." could've been "shaking violently" or "violently shaking".
Not a big deal though.
lazyweird1
Title: Senior Otaku++ | Posted 06/01/09 | Reply
Hahaha!!! Kyuuute!! Poor, Dartboard Eyebrow-kun! Able to remember any females measurements, but can't remember their birthdays!!! Such an awesome story! I love everything you write!!!
oiba
Title: Otakuite+ | Posted 03/26/09 | Reply
it was great. at first i thought that they all hated her for some unknown reason, and robin was about to get kicked off of the ship, permanetly. i thought that luffy accidentally punched her (by the way he acted after wards). i also thought that the gasps were because luffy appologized, but that wasn't the case. it was a really great story i L.O.V.E it.
great job!!
Kyrianne
Title: Otaku Legend | Posted 03/20/09 | Reply
Bawwwwwww, that was so cute! x33;
I did kind of get a little confused toward the end when all those characters started appearing, since I wasn't really sure who they were. The hooves thing with Chopper really threw me off for a second there. XDD;
The actual writing was really good, too. :3 You have good grammar, spelling and sentence structure, as well as lots of different kinds of sentences. The one thing I think you might need a little work on is making it sound more active rather than passive, but I have that problem too, so I don't know how to help you with it. ORZZZZZ"
Great job, you win A+! :D
<333
Kyrianne
MissPurple
Title: Otaku Legend | Posted 03/20/09 | Reply
@smexykazekage:
True; there are a lot of birthday/cakey fanfics. But I haven't seen many that end with it not really being that person's birthday.
(Or trying to keep people from eating floor cake...)
VIOLENT COMMA ABUSER!!! O.o;
That was funny. XD
And I overuse commas all the time, that's why I noticed.
You're welcome; I'm always happy when someone welcomes me being critical. ^__________^
smexykazekage
Title: Senior Otaku++ | Posted 03/20/09 | Reply
@MissPurple:
I didn't actually think of this as much of a unique idea, since there are many stories about cake and people celebrating birthdays, especially in fanfiction...
But I really had to write something or I would fail creative writing class, so I used the idea.
OH YES. I'm a comma abuser! I take those commas to the corner and beat them up, telling them they're worthless and that they won't ever do anything right in lif- UHM. Yeah. 8D"
I know I have to work on that. And thank you for pointing out that sentence! I can't believe I wrote that. OTL;;;
Thanks so much for the critique, Miss Purple. ; u ;
*hugs*
+Mariel+
mai rionette
Title: Senior Otaku+ | Posted 03/20/09 | Reply
I don't know anything about One Piece..but you're really good at writing and I enjoyed reading your story! Be my English sensei pwease? X3
Makademia
Title: Senior Otaku | Posted 03/19/09 | Reply
Yum....
I could alomost taste the mikan cake on the floor... lol
The three-second-rule! you should be able to eat food which was dropped on the floor if it was only there for three seconds! (though it must have been 1 min when luffy ate it;)
great story! you should publish it! (or did you already?)
×Maki×
animesick
Title: Senior Otaku++ | Posted 03/19/09 | Reply
awesome story!=)
"Be true, be you and of course, be otaku."-Nehszriahi really enjoined it.
MissPurple
Title: Otaku Legend | Posted 03/19/09 | Reply
Floor cake...XD
Unique story idea and no one seemed out of character.
The only thing I noticed was comma overusege.
Not in big run-on sentences, but just little things. For example: (Not exact quote)
"...ws shaking, and quite violently too." could've been "shaking violently" or "violently shaking".
Not a big deal though.
Good job, Mari~!